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I hope everyone had a fab Thanksgiving. We just got back from New Orleans late last night. It was a strange trip. It was fantastic to see family, but it left me much to ponder. I realize I have a lot of personal issues that I need to deal with. I think I want to be this kind of person and live a certain kind of life, but there are things that keep coming up that I don’t want to deal with. Things that I wish I could avoid forever, but I can’t. I must be some kind of magnet.
On top of that, I’m going to be so incredibly busy this month. What with all the crafting I need to do and final projects for classes. And I might have a costuming job (yay! – my first paying gig, I can’t believe it). And my dear friend is having a baby shower next month and I promised to make the invites – yikes! I put a call on SIS about borrowing a cricut cartridge, but I got no answers. Can you believe that? On a forum of maybe 20,000, I got two responses. That always happens to me when I post there. I don’t know what it is.
But most importantly.
I’ve decided that my life won’t be complete until I get a pair of boots already. But I can’t afford any. So I’m going to start some kind of charity fund. The Help Leslie Buy A Pair Of Boots Fund. For just $1 a day, you can help a starving artist get a pair of boots that will complement her clothes and make her more fashionable. Won’t you help?
of spreading the light; to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” – Edith Wharton
I have always loved this quote. And today I realized that I’m the mirror.
And. That. Sucks.
But it’s true. I wish more than anything that I could be inspiring instead of inspired. I can’t come up with any good ideas on my own. I’m reflecting the light when I scrap lift other peoples ideas. I’m reflecting the light when I look at a magazine and decide I want to wear a certain item of clothing. I’m reflecting the light when all my decorating ideas come from magazines. I’m reflecting the light when I knit something exactly like it is in picture. Nowhere in my life am I the candle.
I’m having a bad day. I was trying to make Christmas cards, but I only made one. ONE! I couldn’t come up with any ideas. Well, I came up with some ideas, but they weren’t mine.
We decorated our tree last night, but we only had about 10 ornaments, so I made some today. And they’re pretty. Everything I make is pretty.
I remember a few years ago, I read an article on Christina Aguilera in Rolling Stone. It was all about how she was changing her image (this was before the whole Xtina thing). She was getting piercings and what not. She was at a meeting with someone to pick out the cover for her new cd. Someone says to her, “What about this picture. You look very pretty.” And she says, “I hate pretty. F*ck the pretty.” That’s how I feel. Does that make sense? I want to be edgy and artistic and funky, but somehow I warp it and it becomes sensible and pretty.
That’s me. Sensible. I’m the Gap when I want to be Urban Outfitters. Or Anthropologie. There isn’t any edge to me. Not my clothes, not my hair, not my furniture, not my bedding. Not my scrapbooks. I’m so unoriginal!
I bet you Edith Wharton never had to question if she was the mirror. But I guess we need mirrors in this world just as much as we need candles, right?
I got called back for a second interview. And thanks to all of you who helped me out with that “future” question because guess what? They asked it again. And I totally kicked ass!!
But herein lies the problem.
I. Am. Afraid. Of. Change.
Whenever something comes along, I can rationalize myself out of it, no matter what the situation. So, I get an email on Monday, asking me to come back for a second interview, and I stall. Do I really want this job? Would I really be happy doing this? Aren’t I really just moving from one crappy job to another? I won’t know anyone there, and I just started my little card business with Cristina. There are people at my office that I make custom cards for; will they still want me to do that for them if I leave?
Is it so hard to ask for something that makes you happy??? The only problem is that I don’t know what that is. So, in the mean time, I have to suffer through it until I find it.
I went to dance class tonight and I love it, but… I’m in this class with people who have been dancing forever. Everyone is sooo in shape and I feel like this fat slob. My technique is no where near where I want it to be. I can get the steps, but I’m just missing something. And add on the 6+ weeks it’s been since I’ve last gone, due to my leave, and it’s just worse than before. I couldn’t even get my double pirouette today.
I just get so down on myself. I was so happy when I was on leave. Just taking care of the house, blogging, scrapbooking, reading. I know, I know, that’s a total slacker’s life.
I have a lot of issues, and there is no way I’ll be able to get to all of them tonight. I’ve never brought these up before, but I figure, this is me. I’m learning to find myself on this journey I call oranginadreams. I just have to learn to take it one day at a time.
“where do you see yourself in the future of this position?”
how do you answer this question if you don’t really care about the position? I mean I-gotta-have-this-job-or-I-will-die kind of care. How do you tell a future employer that you are just applying for this position so that you can get the hell out of your current job? Why do employers make the most menial jobs seem like they are so important? “You are going to be filing and answering the phones, young lady. So tell me where you see your future in this position?” Umm, how about, promoted? Because I will file the shit out of your paperwork and I will answer all your phones so fast your head will spin?
Do they really expect you to want to be content in a position like that? They have to know that you are just trying to get your foot in the door so that you can move up and move along and network and meet knew people and learn new things…..
And what’s with interview questions? Is it just me or they are impossible to answer.
Anyojne have a good answer to the question above? Maybe I’ll send some goodies out to whoever gives me the best answer. I’ll use it on my next interview. tee hee
keep your fingers crossed that I get the job 😉
In the days of old, before this wretched surgery, I was the biggest sleepy head on the planet. I would take naps in my car during my lunch hour, come home from work and take a nap while I waited for James, sleep all day long on the weekends. I even bonded with my brother in law over the wonders of The Nap. Every night James and I would go through a routine that looked something like this:
L: Oh! It’s 10 o’clock. It’s getting late. I’m going to bed
J: What?!? Don’t go to sleep, hang out here with me.
L: James, I have to get up early tomorrow. I’m tired.
J: You’re always tired.
L: You would be too if you had to get up at 6:30 am every day for the last 6 years…
Proceeded by me running away to the bedroom, where I would read for about 10 minutes and sleep soundly. I’ll admit though, before the surgery, I was unusually tired, just falling asleep all the time.
I can barely remember those days.
I guess my body was just giving me a send off, getting all this nap time because it knew I would never sleep again. In the first few days after the surgery, I slept in a vicodin induced haze. But now, I am dealing with a) not being tired, and staying up until the crack of dawn (like right now) and b) being extremely tired, but not being able to calm my mind enough for me to stay asleep (like 4 hours ago)
I sleep on my stomach. And I toss and turn in my sleep. So, not being able to lay on my stomach is the most difficult habit to break, and having to favor this pain and the effed up muscles makes it even harder. Or I’ll get restless leg and have to get up to stretch. Or just go to the couch and watch Classic Arts Showcase until the sun comes up (which is a wonderful program by the way) Or try to sleep in a semi-quasi-on my stomach, half turned, propped up with pillows position which only works until my stomach starts hurting again, or my neck feels like it’s going to break. Or, and this is the best one, finally falling asleep, but then having the craziest dreams which stress me out to the point of waking, and then not being able to close my eyes without these images running wild. Fun! There’s nothing worse than being so insanely tired and not being able to sleep.
So, in the meantime I will just blog until my head crashes down and wake up when the sun rises. Too late.
Dammit, birds, shut up.
Sleep, if you’re out there, I miss you. We were the best of friends and I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m sorry if I took you for granted, but just know that I am thinking about you every night
Feeling particularly hermit-y today, but I had put off going out because there is no food in the house (of the cat or human variety) I usually foist this task on James, but since he’s working this weekend, I donned my sunday best and ventured to Trader Joe’s and PetCo on LaBrea&3rd.
I hate going to the grocery store. Perhaps because it is always crowded, or there’s never any parking, or because the people who shop there epitomize Los Angeles (skinny people dressed in their yoga clothes or their vintage clothes that cost hundreds of dollars). Suddenly, whatever I am wearing is wrong. My clothes feel frumpy, my hair is not cute, my favorite, very cool Diesels are no longer very cool.
I get to Trader Joe’s and there is no parking. I squeeze into a spot after waiting for someone to pack up her car and go. I walk inside only to find the doorway jam packed with people standing in the check out line. There are no baskets (I refuse to use a cart because they are impossible to manuever in this small store. Luckily I brought my canvas grocery bag andI start stuffing everything in it. But now, I am only limited to buying the things I can carry in this bag. I am wandering around this store, lost among the crowds, trying to find the damn water and the organic tomatoes! Standing in line, I get a tickle in my throat that causes me to have a coughing fit. When I am alone in a store, I become conscious of what I am looking at. There is nothing for me to do, no one to talk to, so I stare at people, and they catch me, so I stare at the floor. As I am getting to my car, I take out my keys and something falls out of my bag. “Forget it!” I say to myself. I look back to see my lipgloss on the ground, calling my name. But I cannot double back to pick something off the ground. Not when there are 50 cars in line, staring at me, waiting for me to get out.
I finally get the hell out of there and make it across the street to PetCo, where pets go. And this is even worse. I am standing in line holding a 17lb bag of cat litter in one hand and a 5lb bag of cat food in the other, when the handle breaks on the litter and falls to the floor. I now have to stand in line and balance these bags on my hip or on the floor, which makes me half to bend over. The coupon for $2 off I have painstakingly saved is nowhere to be found in my bag. I try to (gracefully) leave the store, back out my car and head for the shelter of my home.
I literally felt like I was running away when I was driving back the tree lined streets up to Beverly. I wanted to take a picture but I neither had my phone or my camera. So there you have it. I know it doesn’t sound all that bad. But I assure you it was. But it had to be done. I love eating too much to wait until midnight when James comes back to eat. And I couldn’t let my babies starve. Ugh, I hate going to the store. Maybe once James reads this he won’t make me go back to that hell hole.
*sigh* My dad’s out of the country so there will be no one to nag me about watching the oscars tonight. No, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to do some chores before crashing into a catatonic state on my couch, with Mr Harry Potter.
not me! I am feeling inspired, despite the fact that I had to get up early and go to work. But it’s quiet here, which allows me spend time blog-hopping. Emily Falconbridge has started this wonderful little art journal on a deck of cards. I am totally going to participate. Very excited. All I need is a deck of cards, and I will be ready to go.
In other very exciting news, James and I were working on ideas for my studio this weekend. He was going to build me a new desk, but my room is so small (8’x11′) that all my ideas weren’t working. So as a joke, James said, “why don’t you use the dining room?” And a flood of hope and excitement poured through; it was too late to take his words back.
Our dining room is actually an office. Since there is only the two of us, we really had no use for a big dining tabe so we took it down a few years back and put in a desk. It’s worked really well. Our apartment is really spacious; there is a little nook that’s part of the living room, right next to the dining rom that we are going to move our “office” into. It’s going to work out so well! That way I am not hanging out by myself in the back of our apartment, and James can use the computer virtually right next to me while I craft into the wee hours. We just have to make a quick (slightly expensive) trip to Ikea and hopefully I’ll be moving in by next week. 🙂
So everything going well, but I must take this time to say, “grrr”. I hate the DMV and Social Security. I have been working for months now to get my name changed, what a freaking hassle. In the grand scheme of things though, it’s totally worth it (I love you James!)
PS. For those of you who are having the Monday Blues, check out this link. It’s the cutest ever!!
Well, all my going on about getting a Christmas Tree turned out to be a lie! After literally scouring all over the greater Los Angeles area, we came up with nothing. No tree was good enough for James and the trees that did pass inspections were all sold out. I was almost in tears last night after the “fiasco that was tree shopping”. Praying to the Lord above that I would make it to Michael’s on time (it was 8:30 and I was still 20 minutes away). All the while I should have been praying that the tree itself would still be available. I just wanted a tree so badly, but I guess I will have to wait ’til next year. I was really looking forward to decorating and getting all excited about the season, but I just haven’t found that yet. And here we are a week away from Christmas. I guess I was just pinning all my hopes on this one event and to have it not happen was a really low blow.
This just proves that the early bird does get the worm. James’s Aunt sent us this beautiful hand painted ornament for our First Christmas together as husband and wife. Isn’t it the cutest?? I guess we’ll put them up next year. *sigh*
it was the sweetest gesture. I wish I could be like that. Always sending gifts for birthday, anniversaries. I’m lucky if I remember these things. And I am always behind, so those moments just slip right by me.
James was really sick this weekend… sick enough to call in sick from work, which he has never done. We stayed indoors and I took care of him. And what do I get for my effort? Sick. Thank you, James.
I am so tired today. It’s always really hard to get out of bed when you are nice and warm and cozy and you know it’s going to be cold outside.
So, here I am at work. Browsing thru all the knitting and scrapbooking blogs. My mind has been completely overloaded. I scrapbooked on Friday and Saturday. Tried to make my ATC’s for December’s group, but was completely tapped out. I only made three.
I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday to find a new knitting book. I was looking for Scarf Style, but they didn’t have it, so I proceeded to look at every single knitting and sewing book in their craft section. My mind is a whirlwind of patterns and yarn; it’s all a blur. I got a book by Amy Butler, can’t even think of the name of it right now, but she had a lot of cute patterns. My only problem now is I don’t have any material.
The thing is, it takes so much yarn to make anything, which in turn gets so expensive. I love making things, but right now I have to stick to one skein items such as scarves and hats. Which sucks, I know, but I can’t afford it.
I think I must be into the most expensive hobbies in the world, knitting and scrapbooking. They totally take advantage of you. It’s like when you are getting married, they hike up the prices for a rental because they know you will pay for it.
I think I have lost my train of thought here. What I am trying to say is that I am going to take a little break. I am not going to surf the internet or surf the blogs for a while. Just a few days. Or one day to rest my brain. Hopefully I can kick this cold in its ass in the meantime.
If anyone asked, I would tell them that I hate my job. I have been wanting to quit since I got here, and I am now going on 4 years. Time flies…. I always thought it would be so easy to leave and go somewhere else. But I have tried. Maybe not too hard. I got comfortable. I got paid more. I made friends. When I got my first desk, I said I would not fill it with crap and memorabilia and all that nonsense. But looking around today, I realized that I have done just that. Here are the pictures to prove it. I don’t know how it happened. People at work give me stuff. What better place to display it than at work? Like these right here. They are little boxes made out of wrapping paper. They are so cute, so now I have about 8 of them. I have a desk drawer full of stuffed animals! What??? I have more tchotchkes than actual work related stuff. This has got to end, but what do I do with all this stuff? throw it away? How can I throw away my little angel? Or the caricature someone made of me? I wanted to be so insignificant, that I could just walk out and leave one day. Nothing on my desk to pack up, just go. But I see that I have made my mark. My desk has acquired my personality. People here like me and I have the shit on my desk to prove it.